Comrade Josh Hawley
COMMUNIST PARTY HEADQUARTERS United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Comrade Hawley,

I praise you for the super nice things you have said about Vladmir Putin and his aggression in Ukraine. Now that Hairless Vlad has been completely transparent, you’ve been completely apprised.

On behalf of hairless Vlad (too much caviar and vodka), I intercepted a message to be conveyed to you. You have been promoted from cadre to Comrade. And Hairless Vlad wants to award you the Leonid Brezhev Medal, for being the biggest dupe from the West who will cover for Asian despots. You have done stupendous work of undoing the statesman work of Winston Churchill and Harry Truman at Fulton, Missouri. You are a true traitor. Specifically, if you can remember anything, Jimmy Carter gave crusty Leonid a kiss (in Vienna, I believe). Jimmy Carter needed a kiss. I guess his trophy wife, Roswell, wasn’t up to kissing the president of the United States that morning.

As you might know, nothing is more personal than a kiss. Human beings cannot be more intimate, considering how Covid-19 passes these days. Hairless Vlad is always looking for younger men. I am instructed to say when you are next in Moscow, you visit the Kremlin to neck.

Comrade MichelOSH